#100LBWeightLossJourney – It’s an “OFF” day

Frowny_Face

ARGH! It’s a mid-week craptastic day….so for those of you who do not like reading about true, honest feelings that sometimes make you feel like crap…skip this post…or at least scroll to the bottom, because I promise by the end of this post, I will have some motivation and happy shit. (please excuse my language)

not fair

My #100LBWeightLossJourney has deifnitely had ups and downs (as I have said many times before)…and life has brought me lots of added stress, which at times I don’t understand why I haven’t completely had a break down yet…but, am grateful that I manage to keep my cool, just enough, to stay on the “sane” side of life.

I don’t even know where I really want this post to go..all I know is that when I post things and dish the crap out that is bothering me, that I tend to feel much better by the end of it. Some people have criticized me saying that no one wants to read sad/angry stuff and that I shouldn’t “put myself out there”…well, guess what? Life is not all freaking rainbows and butterflies…sometimes life SUCKS! Sometimes it feels completely exhausting to even pick up the phone to talk to the person on the other end of it….sometimes I feel like sitting down and having a good ‘ol cry – which at the end I usually feel better….and guess what?!?!?! THAT’S OKAY!!! and it’s NORMAL!!!

🙂 (see I am smiling already)

I am so sick and tired of people who always try to be perky and smiley and when they are asked “How are you?” they always respond “great, good , fine, wonderful”…bull pucky…..I would love it if people started responding to that question with their true emotions..now in saying that, they should not give a HUGE explanation of why they feel that way but, just stay true and acknowledge how they truly feel. I think they would find that they are not so alone as they actually feel…that there are other people out there who can relate..who have faced similar battles.

For me, when I connect with someone who has similar ideas/feelings…it really makes me feel alive and real….understood. And that, for me, is so important to my being able to “survive”. I grew up at times being looked at as a weirdo/nerd as I had different interests and I certainly don’t always say the right thing…so sometimes I tend to be a bit goofy.
It was funny though, last week in the SingleDadLaughingHealthClub another member posted this comment:

Woman- “I am in the midst of an identity crisis and it consumes me. I don’t have the words to elaborate on this right now.”

Me – ” I can so relate to this: “I am in the midst of an identity crisis and it consumes me..” Somedays I look in the mirror and at pictures and do not see myself…I feel like if I could peel back the layers I would find the real me…..I think my brain is stuck back to when I was 19…when I moved away from home…that was 17 years ago..and really I feel no more grown up then I did then (unfortunately)…my body aged and changed but I really haven’t. I know who I should be (mom, daughter, wife, house cleaner, baker, cook, etc) but part of me seems to have disappeared over the years….I keep trying different things and other then a couple of new things that I love (running and my renewed love of reading)…I really do not know what it is I want or should be doing with my life…..”

Woman – “I feel like you have taken my dilemma and put it it in the words I cannot find. I feel the exact same way! I moved away to be with my (now) husband and we had our son very shortly after, and I feel like time just kind of paused when I found out I was pregnant- I was 22, out of state and had no family or friends where we lived. I have been scrambling ever since.”

Me – “It feels like life, in once sense, continued on while I was living out west, and part of me is stuck back in the time before I moved away…like I lost something/part of me…..or rather..left part of myself behind….and I can’t find her….”

Woman – “Yes!”

This for me was one of those wonderfully blissful moments of pure joy, because I finally had someone who could relate to what I have been feeling for a few years now. It is so wonderful that I had that moment of connection, it truly meant the world to me!

just a bad day

Yesterday I went to have the break pads finally changed and ended up going from an $80 repair to $355…money we definitely do not have..plus there are other things that are going to have be repaired soon….this car is totally falling apart..and it is killing us to keep it together…but we cannot afford to get another one…we struggle to keep food in the house (let alone healthy food) and our bills are constantly behind…..I recently commented on this on my facebook page only to have a friend write back with job listings for our area….I was beyond angry and deleted the post…it was obvious that nothing I had wrote previously had been read. I have health issues and even went and had a physical assessment done…I cannot do most jobs that might be available in our area as they do not support my needs/limitations…the fact that people do not seem to understand that not only do I current have physical limitations (which I keep trying to push through so I can get healthier) but, we also have other barriers, like where we live, no accessibility to transit, no babysitters(or money to pay one) and when my husband gets called in to work, he has to go…his job will always come first because we hope that he will get a full time position with a regular schedule so that we can work around it.

Nonetheless, recently I have applied to josb that would definitely not be good for me physically but, it would be money and more accessible then other jobs….I have applied TWICE in the past two months(to one of them) with not so much as an email/call back to let me know they received my application/resume. I’m on a “spare” board for a couple of places but the calls have literally been a couple times a year.

I had a meeting to find out about my ability to get funding for training and got the bad news that there are only limited courses available: WHMIS, First Aid, ForkLift and flagsman….okay, the first two are great but…forklift?? yeah my depth perception would screw that up…..and flagsman…no way I can stand for long periods of time AND I cannot be in the sun for long periods of time either……yay..so the opportunity to be trained or go back to school has now been taken away from me….so where does that leave me?? Applying for cashier work…yeefuckinhaw….I have nothing against that work, but, it is definitely not what I want to do for the rest of my life….and don’t tell me to suck it up…I’ve done that too long, too many times….is it really that horrible of me to want more for my family and myself??? That I do not want to spend my day doing something that makes me feel miserable?

So, today I am having an off day…when I got home from getting the brakes done on the car yesterday all I wanted to do was go running..I wish I had done so, I probably would have felt much better…I am planning to go today and push all the negative crap into getting my body to move.

Okay…so…let’s turn things around….as now I feel a load has been somewhat lifted…(thanks for “listening” by the way!)

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Okay, so..on the meal plan for today…beef strips in rice with veggies..hoping to get it made early so i do not have to worry about my run time…because I WILL run today!

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I hope you all have a fabulous day!! If you feel some feeling or stress is keeping you bogged down and holding you back from moving forward on your journey, feel free to leave a “rant” post in the comments! Sometimes it feels better to just “let it go!”.

Looking forward to the rest of my day!
xoxoxoxox ~Heather

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About ChaosAndSilence

#100LBWeightLossJourney New to Blogging Newbie Gamer on Twitch. Avid Contester Mother to 2, Wife of 6 years. Baking, photography, dancing, hiking, etc.

Posted on February 26, 2014, in Click HERE to read my day to day posts of my "100LB WeightLoss Journey " and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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